223031

Joke of the Day

"I read a story about a kid that ate 4 cans of alphabet soup in one sitting... It said that he later had a massive vowel movement. Maybe a dirty joke."

"I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried."

"I touch myself when I think of you. It's not what you're thinking, I'm mostly scratching my head wondering what I saw in you."

"Me: I don't think Grinding Dory is appropriate for the kids. Wife: I said FINDING DORY & we need to discuss your internet usage."

"Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I'll ask him; ""so how does my lack of progress make you feel?"""

"what do you say when your photo's being taken give it back"

"Today has been cancelled, due to lack of interest."

"Why is it prestigious to wear a condom? It's a members-only jacket."

"Yo mama so fat... She auditioned for Gargantua in the movie Interstellar but got rejected for being too fat"

"On this pesticide spray it says, ""Keep away from children."" Fuck, they knew I was coming."