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Joke of the Day

"It's amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday. For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk."

"I turned my phone onto ""Airplane Mode"" and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever."

"Police Chief: There has been a car hi on Seventh Street Police Officer: Don't you mean a hijack? Chief: No, he had an iPhone 7"

"My friend told me to stop singing Wonderwall I said maybe"

"Whats the only bad thing about head from an anorexic girl? She won't swallow"

"Just broke my record for distance of ejaculation. I've cum a long way."

"Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger's engagement proves that not only is love blind, it's also deaf."

"#rudolph > .nose { background: red; border-radius: 50%; @include shiny; }"

"My daughter asked me what marriage is like, so I threw out all her Ken dolls, except for the bald drunk one."

"Juliet: you know it's true love, when you finish each other's- Romeo: LIFE Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?"