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Joke of the Day

"Ive been told I'm not ambitious enough.... I've been told I'm not ambitious enough. If only there was an olympic sport for being a lazy bastard. That bronze medal would be mine."

"What is 1 + 1? 3 if you don't use protection."

"[at the pet store] Me: I'd like a baby lizard please [later at home] Me: isn't he cute? Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor"

"My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate."

"A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet... But I can only walk so fast."

"what do computers & old testament gods have in common Lots of rules and no mercy"

"Why did Burger King and Dairy Queen have a baby? Because Burger King forgot to wrap up his Whopper"

"In soviet Russia, shop boys pet you! You're welcome."

"Her: wanna dance? Me: I'm never gonna dance again Her: why? Me: guilty feet have got no rhythm Her: ? Me: sorry, I'm old...*Fml*"

"I heard you like bad boys she replied: Yeah Well, i'm not trying to impress you or anything But When Disney channel asked me to go their website with parents permission, I didn't ask my parents."