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Joke of the Day

"The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I'm the only party guest."

"I said to the gym instructor: ""Can you teach me to do the splits?"" He said: ""How flexible are you?"" I said: ""I can't make Tuesdays."""

"[first date] Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know? Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally"

"Why did the tomato blush? He saw the salad dressing."

"Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work. Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I'm in HR again."

"My Jewish friend invited me to go to his camp. Fuck that."

"what do you call a gassy Scotsman? Bravefart"

"What's up with gay analysts? They anal-ize."

"Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it's a GREAT group photo."

"What's better than winning the Special Olympics? Not being in the Special Olympics"