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Joke of the Day

"Subway's known about Jared since the beginning how else can you explain how they knew he likes to eat fresh. I'm going to hell for this one."

"My friend told me he was terrified of pedophiles... I told him to grow up."

"When I leave a plane, I tighten the belts before I leave so that whoever sits there next will think ""wow, whoever sat here was very thin""."

"*draws a line in the sand* *looks at the line in the sand* *decides that it might be time to vacuum*"

"I got a job at the circus circumcising baby elephants. It pays peanuts, but the tips are huge."

"Why are orphans terrible baseball players? They don't know where home is."

"Your momma is so mean... she has no standard deviation."

"Diarrhea is the #2 cause of death in the U.S."

"Being baptized is like having antivirus for a PC It helps protect you from consequences of sinning going forward (but not guaranteed)"

"Walmart has an alarming amount of security camera video with me humping stuff with a swimming pool noodle."