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Joke of the Day

"there was a girl on tv show who was crying sayin ""i miss america"" and it was real sad until someone corected her grammar and gave her a sash"

"What's the difference between a dog and a marine biologist? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale."

"If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There's a good chance they'll be entangled in them and won't be able to run."

"Behind every great man there's a great woman who can take whatever he just said and turn it into a great big fight"

"Ppl freakin cuz its sharks in the ocean. News flash: that's where they live! If u see them at Chipotle, then we have a problem"

"I always feel an intense awkwardness when a woman doesn't choose the iron in a game of Monopoly."

"I wanted to have a threesome... but then i realized, if I wanted to disappoint two people at the same time I'd just have dinner with my parents."

"There's safety in numbers. Tell that to 6 million Jews."

"Turtles think tortoises are pretentious as hell."

"[interview] HIM: What are your strengths? ME: Well, I can see dead people. HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies? ME: Grave digging"