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Joke of the Day

"5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken. *pushes their faces together* Me: Did they kiss and make up? 5: No. She headbutted him."

"Honesty is the best policy, but I also recommend a lot of life insurance."

"Why do pirates take so long to learn the alphabet? Because they often spend years at C EDIT: made it more punny"

"What's the difference between a camel and a Russian? A camel can walk for 30 days without drinking but a Russian can drink for 30 days without walking."

"Kanye on the beach, by the water, holding two large conch shells up to either ear. ""That's incredible"", he says ""When did I record this?"""

"So I heard they're demolishing Hitlers house Anne Frankly, I'm surprised they didn't do it already. I hope they step on the gas and burn the place down."

"The secret to becoming a millionaire... Is by being a billionaire, then starting an airline."

"What's the best way to dispose of bodies? Put the ashes in the donuts."

"In order to save space, Ricky Gervais & Seth McFarlane are both one guy now. Frankly, it's been a long time coming"

"Me: Goodnight Moon. Moon: Don't ""Goodnight"" me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?"