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Joke of the Day

"I can hear two bug swatters having a huge argument nearby. I'd give anything to not be a fly on the wall."

"I'm convinced. Some peoples' brains are still on dial-up."

"To my English teachers who encouraged me to create magical works of literature as a boy. Here is my 3,007th Tweet. You can be proud."

"I've been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she ""can't survive on dry land."""

"This is Bullshit. Since when is dressing for the job you want, not the job you have considered ""impersonating an officer""?"

"[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]"

"Another Sunday at Gym Church w/ Pastor Pumpz. We sang ""My Bod is an Awesome Bod"", ""Bod is Great Bod is Good"", and ""Be Thou My Protein"""

"What do you call a nun in a wheelchair ? Virgin Mobile"

"There are two fish in a tank, one says to the other ""do you know how to drive this thing"""

"Mexican Olympic Team Why doesn't Mexico send a team to the Summer Olympics? Because all the one that can run, jump, or swim are already in the US."