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Joke of the Day

"To my English teachers who encouraged me to create magical works of literature as a boy. Here is my 3,007th Tweet. You can be proud."

"I am Ahmed Mohamed AMA! Wow that blew up fast!"

"Just saw two elementary school kids in a fistfight... So as an adult, I had to step in. They didn't stand a chance."

"What's small, gray, and came in little cans? Michael Jackson."

"I visited Amsterdam this summer, and decided to have sex with a prostitute. It was an overall positive experience. Sadly, it was an HIV positive experience."

"They say Titanic was shot in a swimming pool. So was The Great Gatsby."

"Do your Dads know your straight? I am not homophobic, this is for all the 11 year olds on reddit."

"Three mods walk into a bar... [deleted]"

"Our baby now can clap which I believe qualifies him to be a member of an infomercial audience."

"Why did the clothing store close? The employees where slacking off."