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Joke of the Day

"""Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I'm not used to consuming wine in pill form."" University of Chicago"

"Wondering why we have 50 candidates for Miss America, but only 2 for president. Also, why no swimsuit competition?"

"Quitting smoking is really easy... I've done it like 100 times already"

"Here at Smith Blarney cremation service we make money the old-fashioned way We urn it."

"What kind of pizza would the twin towers order? Two plains."

"""I'm sorry, it's just who I am."" = ""I am a giant asshole and have no plans of improving myself as a human."""

"What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand? My hand."

"What do necrophiliacs and alcoholics have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one"

"Deep down, we're all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on."

"How to get mustard out of your white shirt.. 1) go to a store 2) buy a new shirt"