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Joke of the Day

"Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 1 second but instead I'm going to run over it 100 times with the vacuum at different angles."

"Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. "

"A man walks into a bar. *""Son-of-a-bitch!""*"

"Why is divorce so expensive? BECAUSE IT'S WORTH IT!!!"

"Wrong answer ... Wife busted me blow drying my penis after I got out of the shower. She asked what I was doing ... I guess warming up your dinner wasn't the right answer."

"You're psychiatrist's opinion about your social media habits don't count if he has less followers than you."

"Me: Goodnight Moon. Moon: Don't ""Goodnight"" me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?"

"Ya know? You're like a blister... you only turn up once all the hard work is done."

"""What do you do for a living?"" ""I'm an organ trafficker."" ""Oh my God, do you have no heart?"" ""Are you criticizing me or making an order?"""

"Fun game: Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours."