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Joke of the Day

"Thanks to twitter the approval of family and friends has taken a backseat to the approval of strangers on the Internet."

"Rent boat. Go out to sea. Find sperm whale. Tell him he's called sperm whale. Console sperm whale. Have fun with new whale best friend."

"""You're prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!"" TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie"

"A jumper cable walks into a bar The bartender says okay I'll serve you, as long as you don't start anything."

"The best way to return any clothing left at your place is to do a drive-by with a t-shirt gun on her wedding day."

"Last night I dreamt I was a muffler... It was exhausting."

"I wish my new best friend from Spain came with subtitles, because pittbull only taught me uno do tres cuatro..."

"""Don't worry, I'll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends."" - Cargo Pants"

"Don't get me wrong, I'm not whining because of the cold. I'm whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm"

"What's a 90's kid's favorite salad? Quinoa & Kale"