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Joke of the Day

"I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren't three other people around."

"News said how hard it'd be to shoplift a turkey. Amateurs. It's all about commitment. *stuffs turkey under shirt* *whines that back hurts*"

"Why did the monster go into hospital? To have his ghoul-stones removed."

"I'm 49 and my girlfriend is 5 months pregnant! What do you guys think we should do?"

"What do you call an eagle that is sick? Illegal"

"[At restaurant] I'm so hungry I could eat a horse! But I'm on a diet so... [To waiter] Do you have diet horse?"

"What quality does Elon Musk look for in a woman? He just wants her to be down to Mars"

"Did you hear about the woman who gave birth in her 50's? You haven't? Oh, wait...that's right.... that's because they can't. (Menopause) Ha."

"WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS"

"Maybe it's just me, but reading books on an iPad Mini, I really miss the smell, the heft, the traditional reading experience of an iPad 2."