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Joke of the Day

"What do you call a Mexican burglar? Juanted"

"20 year old me: *imagines awesome career, travelling the world, being in love* 32 year old me: *tweets*"

"I feel a spree coming on. It's either shopping or killing, I haven't decided yet."

"a muslim couple goes hunting and accidentally shot an ape. ""ouch, that's a shame. can we eat him so he wouldn't die in vain?"" said the girl. ""no, we cant"" the guy replied. ""why?"" ""it's Haram, Bae"""

"Accidentally used the elephant emoji so thanks, Apple, for the next five hours of fighting"

"Why did the grain call his sister ""momma""? Because he was in bread!"

"People who talk about me behind my back discussed me."

"Just completed a 0.00 mi run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies #RunKeeper"

"How do you see countries neighboring Russia? Ukraine your neck."

"Cool story bro, needs more dragons and shit - how Game of Thrones started, probably."