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Joke of the Day

"Saw my ex... On my way home from work last year i saw my ex being beaten up by 3 guys, i stopped the car and ran over to help...she didnt stand a chance against 4 of us."

"I was born short Thankfully I grew out of that phase."

"Me: Do you have any dreams? Him:...I'm running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes... Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT"

"I went to a library... I went to a library and asked the librarian for a book on suicide. Then the librarian turned to me and said ""Fuck you, you wont return it!"""

"Asked my daughter to get me a glass of water & she brought me a glass of wine....she's either Jesus or I gotta remember the lies I tell her"

"Who reads the news AND makes coffee? Katie Keurig. (I know the setup might need some work but I just like the punchline I made up.)"

"Two nuclear explosions occur next to each other. ""You're way too close to me"" says nuke #1. ""I'm Feynman"" says the other."

"How do you call it when you get a eMail from a Women? FeMail."

"Knock Knock, Who's there? Fuckin' Jenny. Now gild me and give me upvotes."

"Do you know why the government is important? It isn't, now have a landmine. -Ron Swanson"