200545

Joke of the Day

"What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get"

"gardens are insane. ""Oh that's just my box of dirt that pushes food at me very slowly."""

"this one has claws This one swims but can't fly This one is huge & runs funny This one bangs his head against trees - god making birds"

"Public speaking is the #1 fear of the average person. #2 is death. This means that at a funeral, more people would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy. -Jerry Seinfeld"

"What do you get if your budgie flies into the blender ? Shredded Tweet !"

"In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it's in."

"I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, 'what do you have to tell me?' he said, 'I don't know, never made it this far'"

"If Reddit users were Military Weapons... They would be Attention-Seeking Missles."

"Damn, girl, are you Terms and Conditions? Because I just want to blindly agree to whatever you say."

"person texting me: hey I'm outside me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON"