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Joke of the Day

"My Roomba sucked up some cocaine & cleaned the entire house in 5 mins. Now my jewelry's missing & the Roomba's trying to bang the blender."

"Parents: It's unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you're not going to also let them pee next to parked cars."

"Why didn't the fiddler have to pay for anything? Because it was all on the house"

"Interview Employer: ""This is an important job, we need someone who is responsible."" Applicant: ""I'm the one you want! At my last job, every time there was a problem, they said I was responsible."""

"Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can't ""break"" water...get back to work."

"""The total cost would be 3000,"" said the funeral director. ""And that includes digging the grave."" ""Is that the whole thing?"" I asked. He replied, ""Yes, that's the hole thing."""

"That moment when your crush is absent, and you wasted your time going to school."

"[First day of class at law school] *raises hand* Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?"

"Some things are better left unsaid, but I'm probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway."

"If a woman tells you size doesn't matter, she's a liar and you have a small pen!s."