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Joke of the Day
"The cable company is sending a guy out between 1:00 and 2017."
Next Joke
"Are you today's date? Because you're 10/10."
"I always set my alarm to 9:11 So I *never forget* to *wake up*."
"I lost my voice. If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated."
"Why do parents feel the need to hold your phone when you show them a picture?"
"*Robber runs into Chipotle* GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER ""Is this for here or to go?"" Uh. To go ""Do you want guac?"" Sure ""It's extra"""
"I painted my computer black... thinking it would run faster but it just stopped working"
"What does a cranky Japanese person suffer from? PAST: Post Atomic Stress Disorder"
"Why did King Kong paint the bottoms of his feet brown? So that he could hide upside down in a jar of peanut butter."
"Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages: 1. instant gratification 2. sense of impatient entitlement 3. misunderstanding of basic math"