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Joke of the Day

"[job interview] What are your strengths? Me: inventing special occasions. Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*"

"So my ex-wife is a bird lover... she always wanted a black cockatoo"

"Why did the walrus go to the tupperware store? Because he wanted a tight seal."

"How did the babysitter lose 500 kids and keep her job? She swallowed"

"""Spelt"" is a type of wheat. ""Spelled"" is what you just did incorrectly."

"Chuck Norris won an award today Kanye West sat politely in his seat."

"War is not the answer Unless, ""What is the opposite of peace?"" is the question."

"What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff."

"I have a vegan girlfriend... and she's nice and all, but sometimes I think she just looks at me like a piece of carrot"

"People are like trees: you can figure out their age by cutting into them & counting the rings. Right? I didn't do this for nothing, right?"