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Joke of the Day

"I told my mom that I have an Oedipus complex. She asked if I was serious. I told her, ""Nah, I'm just fucking with you."""

"What's a dog's favorite mode of transportation? A waggin'"

"Shot through the heart and you're to blame. You give archers who shoot apples off of people's heads a bad name."

"For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats."

"Enrique Iglesias wants to 1. Be your hero 2. Kiss away your pain 3. Stand by you forever Enrique Iglesias is your mother"

"I would walk over Lego's for you."

"A guy walks into a bar. A guy walks into a bar with a block of asphalt under his arm, he says to the bartender ""I'll have two beers, one for me and one for the road"""

"I just bought a really expensive car, only to find the reverse gear broken. There's no going back now."

"There is no way Siri could be a woman, she only speaks when she's spoken to."

"Me: My flight was canceled so I won't be home until tomorrow. Her: but you said you were just going out for milk."