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Joke of the Day

"Ted has split personalities. This shows in his behaviour to his girlfriend. He's a dick Ted to her."

"Why can't a bike stand on it's own? Because it is two tired."

"What do you call a Psychic Compromise? A Happy Medium. Sorry, a played around with the wording of this a lot and couldn't find anything better. Please suggest a better phrasing."

"Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you're going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second."

"Me: *[pulls back shower curtain] ""Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes"" Him: ""Who the hell are you and should I be scared?"""

"PLATO: I'm famous in the future? I bet the word platonic is used to describe philosoph-- It's for relationships where nobody's getting laid"

"My greatest fear is sitting in front of thousands of people while my Google search history is being read aloud."

"Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence."

"It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that's just for the alcohol."

"what did the grape say when it got stepped on? nothing but it let out a little wine"