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Joke of the Day

"Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea? ""I'm not. that. innocent."" *frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*"

"Simon: I wrote a song Garfunkel: *reads lyrics* Garfunkel: ""I am a rock. I am an island"" dude I'm like right here. I thought we were friends"

"""I made $200.05 giving BJ's to people yesterday."" ""Who gave you a nickel?"" ""Everyone did."""

"If you don't believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs."

"I feel like I might kill someone today, and I'm starving. So clearly the best solution is to just eat someone."

"[Installing ceiling fan] Me: drill...screwdriver... tape...there finished! Wife on the phone: Is this Bob's fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done."

"Have you seen the new Broadway production about the dictionary? It's a great play on words."

"Why does no one care that space is a vacuum? Oh it doesn't really matter."

"It seems like I only lose weight when I don't buy ice cream. Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?"

"Accidentally wore a red shirt and khaki pants to Target today... Long story short, I think I got promoted to Assistant Manager."