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Joke of the Day

"What do University of Miami, Florida State, and University of Florida football fans have in common? None attended the University of Miami."

"Dear Applicant, Your resume appears to be a string of stolen tweets. Congratulations, you're our new VP of Marketing!"

"Whats the difference between a prostitute and a dead baby? I only have one under my bed"

"How can you know that you are insecure about what other people think of your post? [deleted]"

"Get a big metal box, label it ""TIME CAPSULE"" and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like."

"I ask myself, ""How did I get here?,"" I'm sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house...taking a shower."

"Why did my ex gf Fav my tweet where I announced that I got laid off. Why did you do that sharon"

"What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice"

"How do you get a pool player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza."

"Her: It's disgusting how many dirty habits you have. Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???"