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Joke of the Day

"""Mickey Mouse, it says here that you want to divorce Minnie because she was... extremely silly?"" ""No, I said she was fucking Goofy."""

"*walks into starbucks* Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!! *has choice of any table*"

"""WITH OUR POWERS COMBINED!"" ""EARTH"" ""WIND"" ""WATER"" ""FIRE"" ""HEART"" ""SELF-LOATHING"" get outta here Eli ""SORRY"""

"I guess you could say the situation in Gaza... Israeli bad. YEAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! i'll show myself out."

"Met a hooker who said she'd do anything for $5 So I had her repost a joke for me that's been posted 5,000 times in the past week"

"Have you seen the documentary on Freddie Mercury's butthole? It's called ""Under Pressure""."

"Did you hear about the man who tried to freeze himself at 0 Kelvin? He's 0K now"

"What is the difference between Elliot Rodgers and Malaysia Airlines? Malaysia Airlines only has been shot down once."

"Why do bees hum? Because they don't know the words!"

"Do you know how to catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut!"