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Joke of the Day

"3 years ago someone was laying concrete so I put my hand prints in it. Been here ever since."

"My wedding vows said ""till death do us part."" My wife died, so I was a free man. Then she came back and bit me."

"Why couldn't the 5 year old go to the pirate movie? It was rated PG-13."

"I invented a new sex position called ""The Donald"" You grab her by the pussy and fling her over a wall."

"Why was the prostitute so good at her job? It was in her whoremoans."

"To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit - I will find you, and I will marry you"

"Ordinarily, staring is creepy. But if you spread your attention across many individuals, then it's just people watching."

"This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory :("

"Me: This chicken is undercooked. Wife: You don't appreciate my cooking. Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now."

"The only way I can appreciate a beautiful view is by taking a picture of it with my phone & looking at it on the screen."