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Joke of the Day

"Me: This chicken is undercooked. Wife: You don't appreciate my cooking. Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now."

"Never get drunk before you write your grocery list. You'll end up adding things like ""vegetables"" and ""someone who will marry me."""

"Putting the dog down today. Gonna start by telling him he has a big nose."

"I did some LSD and watched a candle burn all night. It was wicked."

"Which female comedienne likes terrible punchlines? BaDum **Trish**."

"I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed ""take a nap"" with ""piece of crap"" so don't tell me about your parenting skills."

"Q: What do Roseanne Barr and a battleship have in common? ... A: They both need three tugs to get into their slips."

"How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Hella"

"I didn't know angels could fly so low."

"What do we want? An Iphone for fat fingers! When do we want it? BOW!"