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Joke of the Day

"Eyecare Clerk: And for $79 we can coat your lenses with anti-glare. Me: Is that intended to benefit me or the people I glare at?"

"Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish."

"How to use eyeliner: 1. Draw a thin line on your top & bottom eyelids 2. Oops too thick, try to even them out 3. Colour your whole face in"

"They say there's no such thing as a free lunch, but I'm at Applebee's & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise."

"How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit"

"What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? (LONG) Damn."

"This guy in my living room must think I'm an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself."

"Why people who work with computers have a lot of spare time"

"What is white and interferes with the meal? An avalanche."

"How many Grateful Dead fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Trick question. Deadheads screw in sleeping bags."