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Joke of the Day

"This guy in my living room must think I'm an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself."

"""Yo dog, this yogurt is mad delicious."" -Me, eating yogurt, and talking to my dog. I'm gonna die alone aren't I?"

"""I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident."" ""Ok, but we already said you got the job."""

"Today my wife asked, ""would you still love me if I was ugly and fat?"" Turns out ""Yes I do"" was not the right answer."

"Been really trying to see things from my wife's point of view lately... Been looking out this kitchen window for hours..."

"Oh hey, I see you touched your computer again. -Adobe Updater"

"Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who's sick of her bullshit."

"Bill Clinton right now, texting Monica Lewinsky ""You up?"""

"What did the cork say to the bottle? If you don't behave yourself, I'll plug you."

"What is the internal temperature of a tauntaun? Luke warm"