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Joke of the Day

"Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: ""We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."""

"Me: time for bed Brain: yeah I'm tired too M: really? wow we may actually get some slee- B: hey do you think anyone's died in this house?"

"How do you get a hippy chick pregnant? Cum on her birkenstocks and let the flies do the rest"

"That gunk in your eyes when you wake up is dried ghost ejaculate."

"I spend most of my time waiting for the next big thing to hate."

"Q: Why was King Tutenkhamen considered the best pharaoh in all of Egypt? A: Because he always showed up in cuneiform."

"CLERK: $3.74 ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing"

"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? It has great food, but no atmosphere."

"TIL I haven't actually been having conversations with my furniture... My toaster told me"

"If you want to go running with me, you'd better be prepared to walk a lot."