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Joke of the Day

"If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king."

"what qualifies a woman in hollywood for disability benefits? ""A"" cup"

"Ladies, don't date him just because his dad has a yacht. Date the dad."

"Why can't midgets run? The grass tickles their balls."

"Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance."

"Boss:""I'll need those projections done Aesop!"" Me:""You mean ASAP?"" Boss:""No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson."""

"What do you get if you cross a pig with a karate expert? A pork chop."

"'Why are you crying Ted ?' asked his mum. 'Because my new sneakers hurt.' 'That's because you have put them on the wrong feet.' 'But they are the only feet I have.'"

"No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth. Come back when you're less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars."

"People keep asking me today ""So you have a new boss?"" No, I'm still with my wife."