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Joke of the Day

"'Why are you crying Ted ?' asked his mum. 'Because my new sneakers hurt.' 'That's because you have put them on the wrong feet.' 'But they are the only feet I have.'"

"Why can't T-rex's clap? Cause they're dead."

"My stages of drunk: 1) onstage 2) backstage 3) hostage"

"Unemployment jokes aren't funny They just don't work"

"I'm German and Jewish. I hate myself"

"I told my doctor I abused drugs last night. Doctor:how? me: I punched my bottle of vicodin"

"[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend] *professional stuntman do not attempt*"

"Enrage the one you love today with a calm, rational explanation."

"what's a pirate's favorite letter? You would think its 'RRRRRRRRRRR', but its actually P because without it they would go irate!"

"Pretty fucked-up that your grandfather used to jerk it while thinking about Betty Boop drawings."