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Joke of the Day

"They're saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars."

"Why didn't they punish the student who hung himself? He was already suspended."

"""I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele's new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles."" - my neighbor"

"[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure] other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT"

"I'm amazed how long I will watch a stupid infomercial, because I don't feel like reaching for the remote."

"Some people here are a mite sensitive. Fell asleep during a pleasant DM chat and now I'm blocked. Didn't know I snored that loudly."

"When you watch Jersey Shore, Darwin cries."

"They called their son Honest Abe, because he was honest. They called their daughter Bloody Mary..."

"Kids, I don't know if our ceiling is the best ceiling... ...but it's definitely up there."

"When a coworker pisses me off, I like to write his name down for 23 boxes of girl scout cookies on the form in the break room"