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Joke of the Day

"I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby. Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours."

"A goldfish is a great pet if you're wanting to be forced to explain death to your toddler sometime within the next 48 hours."

"[Ring] ""Expert Namer Guy"" You the dude that named anteater? ""Yep"" I got a bug. Not moving. Has wings though. ""Mayfly"" *muffled* oh he's good"

"Your momma so fat... Her splash attack does damage"

"Never date a philosophy major My last girlfriend was one and she spent most of her time trying to prove that I didn't exist"

"Why did the cyclops quit teaching? He had only one pupil."

"Guy- What's your sign? Me- Stop"

"What did the racist Pillsbury Doughboy say? White Flower"

"How do you get a ghost to lie perfectly flat? You use a spirit level."

"How can a woman avoid cleaning, cooking and oral sex for the rest of her life? Grow a penis"