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Joke of the Day

"Every so often I'll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking."

"They say breaking a mirror is the worst because you get 7 years bad luck OH PLEASE!!! Try breaking a condom!"

"What do you call graduates from secret society school? Alumniati"

"I'm writing a book about common Mexican names... I'm gonna call it ""50 Shades of Jose"""

"How to stop a kid from growing up. How do you stop your kids from growing up? Ask Jozsef Barsi."

"Blind People: at your next barbecue hold an ear of corn up and yell ""WHO WROTE THIS SHIT?"" (non-blind people: please read this to blinds)"

"I went for a job interview in a Art Gallery today, but the interviewers seemed to hate everything about me. I didn't really paint a good picture of myself."

"What do you call a black pilot? A glitch in the matrix"

"I wish Shaq named his daughter Shaqira."

"I hate double-standards; when my girlfriend puts on a pair of puppy-dog eyes, it's ""cute"", but when I do it... Everyone is just ""Oh god Mercury what the fuck did you do that puppy?!"""