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Joke of the Day

"I hate double-standards; when my girlfriend puts on a pair of puppy-dog eyes, it's ""cute"", but when I do it... Everyone is just ""Oh god Mercury what the fuck did you do that puppy?!"""

"Jeb Bush just tweeted a picture of a gun engraved with 'Gov. Jeb Bush' with the caption 'America' At least he'll never have to get it re-engraved"

"Every 7 seconds someone in the world dies. Every 6 seconds, a white girl uploads a Pumpkin Spice latte pic on Instagram."

"You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed."

"What do you do with an aggressive Islamic German shepherd Muslim"

"Is this sub Pi? There seems to be an endless supply of jokes, and I swear it's gonna repeat itself at some point."

"How many teenage mutant ninja turtules does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five. It's a huge problem."

"How do you know if your girlfriend is too young? you have to make aeroplane noises to stick you dick in her mouth!"

"Apparently this isn't a nude beach. This isn't a beach at all. I'm at Target. Don't do drugs kids."

"Why is cupid bad at basketball? When he shoots, someone else scores."