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Joke of the Day
"Seriously, Twitter. Do NOT import my contacts."
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"A friend from New Zealand asked me to put a wedge of lime in his cocktail. He took a sip and said ""Thank you, I couldn't have made it bitter myself!"""
"Holmes: ""I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?"" Watson: ""No, shit, Sherlock"""
"My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building. Turns out they were firefighters."
"I'm not judging you, I'm just trying to guess what medications you're on."
"The fire service is attending to a man who is trapped after falling into a vat of bourbon at the Jim Beam factory. Although, he is said to be in good spirits."
"Can a blind person please rub their hands over their dog's nipples and tell me what it says?"
"Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: A Cancerian would worry herself to death with the problem."
"What do you have when you get 32 rednecks in a line? A full set of teeth"
"I didn't realize how parenting had changed me until I was walking by my 7yo with an ice cream sandwich down my pants so he wouldn't see it"