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Joke of the Day

"I didn't realize how parenting had changed me until I was walking by my 7yo with an ice cream sandwich down my pants so he wouldn't see it"

"Thanks for explaining the word ""many"" to me, it means a lot."

"The body is 70% water.. So cool, you're not fat you're just flooded.."

"Every time Larry picked up his colleagues in NJ and drove them to NYC, his wrists started hurting. He was diagnosed with carpool tunnel syndrome."

"[hears wife approaching while I read son bedtime story] the prince hugged the dragon..[hears wife walk away] ok, basically a retweet is whe"

"I hate colored pencils. I'd rather dye than use them."

"Why did the elephant paints it's toes red? So he could hide in the cherry tree."

"So my friend's bakery burned down yesterday... His business is toast."

"Once i did the ""is your dad a terrorist?, because you are a bomb.."" line to a muslim girl. Totally blew up in my face"

"Q: How do you make an idiot think he's a duck? A: Tell him he's a duck."