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Joke of the Day

"People always ask me why I procrastinate.. They say, ""you know, the early bird gets the worm."" I just respond, ""yes, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese."""

"What's the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani elementary school? I don't know, I only fly the drone"

"My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat. No Gary..I rent. I'm not a hobo."

"A mexican fixed my deck today... I guess you can call it Manuel labor."

"Two nuns were riding their bicycles through the back streets of Rome... One turns to the other and says, ""Wow, I've never come this way before!"" The other nun says, ""Oh, it's the cobblestones!"""

"Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include ""mouth breathing""."

"Needing to ""loose"" some weight this year isn't your biggest problem, my friend."

"My talking dog gave me a stick the other day and told me he found it 600 miles away. That's a bit far-fetched"

"Her: Wanna ""lex"" tonight? Him: What's that? Her: Lazy sex. Him: What do we do? Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles."

"What are the 2 sexiest farm animals? Brown chicken, brown cow. (say outloud for full effect)"