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Joke of the Day

"What did one casual necrophiliac say to the other as they left their day jobs? Come by my place later, we'll crack a cold one."

"My great-grandmother lived to be 106 and never needed glasses. She always just drank straight from the bottle."

"What's a pirate's favorite element on the periodic table? Gold! (works better when told - most will interrupt with ""Arrrrrrrrrgon!"")"

"What did the old maid get the vasaline for? 84 cents. Joke by my grandfather"

"I was told by the vet that i had to put my cat down... So i went home to it and said ""You're fat and lazy."""

"I'm only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds."

"To help reduce cost, this status was typed in china."

"America's national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone."

"I wonder if girls got mad on dates in the 1700's because guys kept checking their treasure maps."

"[ 3 AM ] Friend: I got a flat and I'm stranded Me: Do you have snacks in your car? Friend: No Me: *Hangs up"