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Joke of the Day

"What happens when Anthony Weiner tries to shake someones hand? They think long and hard before they touch weiner."

"Describe yourself in three words... Lazy."

"""Hey babe, you smell that?"" ""No."" ""Me neither, start cooking."

"wife *resting after surgery* me wife me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn't have any that said ""Get Well Soon"""

"I think my girlfriend wants it in the ear.... because every time I try to stick it in her mouth she turns her head."

"Stonewall Jackson was usually in charge of confederate forces during the Civil War. Well General Lee i mean."

"[at the drs] Dr: are you sexually active? Me: yeah Dr: with real people Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip"

"The fact touche and douche don't rhyme bothers me."

"What did the ghost say to the prostitute? You're a horror!"

"I took up guitar lessons recently. It's pretty simple, really. Unless the song requires the blue button."