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Joke of the Day

"GF: You cant keep it. ME: But- G: Its a BEE. M: HES my FRIEND! G: Hand him over. M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!"

"Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense"

"god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy"

"Why did the tomato blush? Because he saw the salad dressing."

"Q: Can I ask you two questions? A: Ok, what's the second one?"

"I'm beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away."

"I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger Then it hit me"

"I bet Dame Judi Dench has a pretty nice apartment. #cribs"

"Buddha is not a god But he sure looks like he ate one"

"When I get fired, I assume they are going to show me a hidden-camera montage of me flipping off my boss and customers behind their backs."