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Joke of the Day

"Did you hear the joke about the fast car? I would tell you but I think you're too slow to get it."

"I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat."

"Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos."

"My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like ""That won't work you idiot. Go get my umbrella""."

"The difference between me and Bill Gates is ""th"". He makes tens of millions of dollars per year. I make tenths of millions of dollars per year."

"What do you call a very cold vodka? Absolut Zero"

"Taylor Swift told Vanity Fair she's not a ""clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend"" through various voicemails and texts at 3 AM"

"A man with no nose applies to be a professional flatulence detector."

"I don't think my inner child is ever moving out."

"Girl, if your beauty was represented in stocks, I'd invest everything... Because you're at an all-time low. (Use it to seal the deal on Valentine's Day)"