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Joke of the Day

"If your PMSing wife hands you lemons, you damn well better make lemonade or else she'll stab you & squeeze lemon juice into the open wound."

"I know it's ""cool"" to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That's somebody's daughter."

"What kinda meat does a priest eat on Friday? nun"

"[nabisco hq] ""Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas"" *raises hand* ""anyone else?"" ... ... ""ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-"" Wheat Thicks"

"A Bitter Cold Day Q: What does a bull do on a bitter cold winter day? ... A: He goes into the barn and slips inside a warm Jersey"

"I was walking in the desert and saw a redwood tree. I knew this must be a mirage, so I ran into it. To my dismay, the tree and I collided. I guess it must have been an obstacle illusion."

"I've heard addicts claim that heroin became their ""God"" but... ...they're always taking his name in vein."

"If I was a smart thief, do you know what I would rob? A book store."

"Putin persecutes homosexuals in his own country... ...then goes and enters another country through the back door? Very mixed messages from Russia."

"A lime and banana decided to become a stand-up comedy duo and called themselves ... Key and Peele."