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Joke of the Day

"Tan or get your teeth whitened. But only one of those."

"I was surprised that my skin products kept moving around my medicine cabinet But it turns out it was just brownian lotion."

"There are two kinds of people in this world. People who say they piss in the shower, and dirty fucking liars."

"I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley Thanks to months of therapy, I'm finally battling my Damons."

"furniture disease i just got home from the doctor's and i have really bad news. turns out i have the furniture disease. its where your chest hangs down past your drawers"

"What do you call a brain dead Swede? A vegetable.."

"Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat? Because if they fell forwards, they'd still be on the boat!"

"I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn."

"Large scale pot-growing bust on my neighbors property I was charged with planting evidence..."

"The only way to score with a robot Is to get it in the mode"