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Joke of the Day

"Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat? Because if they fell forwards, they'd still be on the boat!"

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"What do you call an actor that has just paid off his house? Mortgage Freeman"
"6: can i have ice cream? Me: ur room clean? 6: if I clean it can I have ice cream? M: sure 6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream"
"I don't care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I'm more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house."
"I tell pissed off women to ""calm down"" So yeah, I'm into extreme sports."
"Millennial Moses: Just, let my people go or whatev- hang on I'm getting a text."
"*leaves one cupcake in work kitchen* *watches live version of Hunger Games*"
"MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy GODZILA: i cant, im on a...low-car diet MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb GODZILA: ha ha HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH"
"Friend: Do I need to repeat myself? Me: No. I might not be able to ignore you a second time"
"Why do dogs bury bones in the ground ? Because you can't bury them in trees !"