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Joke of the Day

"I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer."

"I found a great way to stop procrastinating! I'll tell you guys later."

"Sign over the urinal in Dad's favorite bar We keep this restroom clean because we aim to please ... so, you aim too, please."

"I'm scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra."

"Why wasn't Sarah Jessica Parker cast in ""Seabiscuit""? I don't think she auditioned for the movie, or was even considered for it. And she was busy with ""Sex and the City"" anyway."

"Friend: You're going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay? Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah."

"My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they've taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom."

"I deactivated my Facebook so I won't know if any bible verses are ""so true"" for a while."

"What happened to the Italian chef when he died? He *pasta way*."

"Don't curse the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation"