161580

Joke of the Day

"If you say ""I knew you were going to say that"" enough. You can start billing people for psychic readings."

"[caught hiding something in the garbage] gf: are you eating hot wings again? me: no gf: oh really, then touch your eyes me: god damnit"

"I wonder if anyone being chased by a bear has ever tried just turning around and saying in a really stern voice ""NO...Bad Bear""?"

"How many cops dose it take to change a light bulb? 5 one to replace the bulb and 4 to beat the room for being black."

"Best excuse for missing work The voices told me to clean the guns."

"Valentine's day Mothers have mothers day, father's have father's day, couples have valentine's day and I have palm sunday"

"Did you know that Kraft is building a factory in Jerusalem? They're calling the operation Cheesus of Nazareth..."

"Did you hear about the witch who turned her friend into an egg? She kept trying to poach her ideas."

"""So why do you wanna work at Petsmart?"" *imagines running out of the store with all the dogs in my arms* ""I'm a people person."""

"I always make sure I have a single male friend Because he comes in handy."