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Joke of the Day

"He was like, 'We're all slowly dying' So I was like, 'WRONG' and I threw him in front of a moving bus."

"Remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else"

"By now, I've stopped calling it ""sandwich"" meat and started calling it ""stand in front of the fridge and eat it out of the baggie"" meat."

"Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Wittness? They don't like any witnesses."

"What is an assassin's favorite element? What is an assassin's favorite elem- Surprise! (it is much better when spoken, but I'm proud of it)"

"Helium Walks into a bar and orders a beer the bartender says sorry we don,t server noble gases here He Doesnt React"

"How do you get a fool to read something? Mark it as NSFW"

"It isn't a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I'm fine by the way."

"I was in a band that played nothing but pirate shanty covers of Sex Pistols songs... We call ourselves ""The Fuck Muskets"""

"Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead (mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)"