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Joke of the Day

"Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I'm not here."

"If he hurts you, cry a river and then drown him in it."

"Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?"

"Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going."

"Earthworms will always laugh at a poop joke... They really eat that shit up."

"I was gonna make a joke about cows... But it's terribull"

"HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE. 1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED"

"I almost banged my wife in the ass last night.. Coworker: Well, what happened? Me: She woke up!"

"""So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?"" ""The usual, self defecating."" ""Ha, I think you mean deprecating."" ""Think all you like."""

"A guy got run over by the PopeMobile yesterday. I guess he didn't see the sign that said ""Cross traffic does not stop."""