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Joke of the Day

"I hate having closure, it's really"

"I hate when people read over my shoulder while I'm texting. 2 car lengths please Mr. Policeman."

"Your face. There's a bat for that."

"Did I tell you that my girlfriend has the flu? Yeah, basically."

"Mom: you failed your english test, didn't you? Me: who telled you?"

"I was driving one day and saw a field full of scrawny cows, and thought... ... so THAT's where beef jerky comes from."

"I introduced my girlfriend to my family the other day. My wife was so mad."

"What do you call a woman with six kids? Lucy"

"The in-flight movie is about to start. The flight attendant says, ""Excuse me, would you like some headphones?"" ""Well sure, but how did you know my name is Phones?"""

"I can only imagine Hugh Hefner ejaculating is like a really weak firecracker going off in a bag of flour."